Why?

Why...

am I still in love with you
do I want you back, even though I know I deserve better
do I continue to be fooled by thinking I will get you back
do I go to bed thinking about you
do I wake up still thinking about you
did I not receive what I gave
did you make me drive 6 hours there and back to dump me
did you pretty much ignore everything about me that weekend
did I spend all the time and money going to see you
did you not reciprocate but a few times
did I lose my virginity to you, only for you to hold it against me
didn't you share things with me
didn't you feel obligated to tell me things because 'we weren't married'
did I feel obligated because I was in love with you
did I sell a saxophone to start a savings account to buy you an engagement ring
did I completely change my future plans for you
did I then have to completely change them when you left
did you continue to string me along thinking you'd come back
wasn't our relationship fair
did I drop everything so often to help you through things, the few things you did openly tell me about
didn't you feel you should express more
do I want you to recognize that yes, I am the victim in this
don't you understand that
don't I still not truly know why you dumped me
is it that every time we discuss it, it is a different reason, and often times they contradict the other reasons
wasn't I 'good' enough for you
did I completely open up to you
is it that if I ever told you anything about how I felt, you would say I was attacking you
couldn't you ever tell me how you felt
did you pretend that you were still in love with me even though you weren't even trying to fix things
didn't you ever tell me beforehand so that we could try to fix things
is it that I still can't sleep well at night
did you want me to spend the night still after you dumped me
did I feel like committing suicide after the fact
did I manage to not drive off the highway on my drive home
did I manage to drive home with my heart torn out
didn't you kiss me more than a single time our last weekend together
did I wait 4 years for you
does it seem to have not affected you at all
does it still affect me terribly
do I still want to call you every day and tell you I love you
do I miss hearing your voice
do I want to text you still
did you stop talking to me
did you tell me you missed me only to stop texting me a day or so later
did you lead me on
do I feel like I never really mattered to you
has everything gone downhill for me since we broke up
can't I feel happy
aren't I over it
do I still cry over it
do I still feel heartbroken
is it that even though I'm trying to move on, I can't
do I feel guilty
can't I ever be in an equal relationship, or at least one that is more equal than the past have been

... mostly because I was clearly more in love with you than you were with me

The story

This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time, but just needed the time to write it down and a place where I wouldn't lose it. I just feel that Crystal and I have this amazing history and an amazing story for how we met.

It was a great summer in 2006. I had just finished my junior year of high school, she had just finished her sophomore year. We were both 16, although I was on the verge of 17 while she was just starting her driving experience. We both went to Baylor band camp, for my 3rd year, her 2nd (yet we never met the year before even though we were in the same band. It does turn out however, that she remembered me being the kid who fell asleep in rehearsal). Some how (despite both of us feeling our auditions were horrible) she managed to make piccolo in wind ensemble and I managed to make first chair in wind ensemble. Somehow we both managed to make orchestra as well (well, she should have, very few orchestra pieces have saxophone(s)). It was Gershwin's 'An American in Paris'. This piece happened to have a saxophone section. Luckily Crystal was also assigned to this piece. I remember walking into our first rehearsal and seeing only a few empty chairs. Mr. Heyde quickly told the other 2 saxophones to sit on one of the risers and was quite hesitant in placing me. Looking about I noticed this beautiful blonde girl sitting with her piccolo out, practicing her music and an empty chair next to her. I quickly decided that I would somehow introduce myself whether or not I was lucky enough to sit next to her. Luckily for me, Mr. Heyde also saw the same open chair and directed me towards it. I quickly put my music down turned to my left and introduced myself to this beautiful girl Crystal. I don't remember a whole lot of our first conversation except when she originally told me she was from Big Spring, I was rather excited thinking she meant Spring, as in, right next to Cypress. I was extremely mistaken and she was quick to take my hand, form the shape of Texas with it and explain where Big Spring was. It all felt very natural and I remember very quickly being in awe of this extremely talented, smart, sweet and beautiful girl. Soon though, we realized that this rehearsal didn't consist of anything that us saxophone's played so we were kicked out, but I have never forgotten how talented she sounded and with how much grace she played.

The rest of the week was much of the same, slowly getting to know more about her and slowly (or maybe it was quickly) falling more and more for her each day. Eventually while waiting to rehearse our piece, we were sitting in the audience when I noticed her wearing a beautiful red dress (for the chamber concert later that evening). I gathered up the courage to ask her to waltz. Nervously and embarrassed I remember her looking down and saying 'um... no...'. The first of a few rejections. At the end of the week I managed to get her to teach me piccolo (which really did come in handy in Jazz Ensemble in the future) when I finally gathered the courage for her phone number. Later that summer after we had spent many nights talking (and back then we talked for hours, or well this is still VERY true) I asked her out. She happily said yes, although the distance and our schedules would seem to be too much. I didn't know she didn't call boys back then, and we were both busy with out marching bands, her a drum major, and myself a section leader and playing in the Young Sounds of Houston Jazz Orchestra. Sadly these things mixed with distance and time caused us to lose touch for a few months. Eventually by the time we both had time I started calling her regularly again, and we picked up right where we left off, except for the fact that she had started dating someone else (something I wouldn't actually learn until quite a bit later).

Another summer came, and while I wasn't supposed to be able to return to camp, someone with a scholarship didn't so Dr.J at the last minute offered it to me. I had no idea if Crystal was coming this year or not, but it was really the only reason I decided to come that summer. Luckily for me, she did show up, but was rather sick with Mono the whole week. I happily spent as much time as I could with her and enjoyed every moment of it. I tried holding her hand a few times that she rejected (although she'll argue otherwise) but eventually by Thursday night she did. It was a lovely feeling. Sadly the next night, after my asking if she liked anyone (in hopes of her response being me of course), in front of North Russel, she regretfully informed me she had a boyfriend, since we lost touch for so long. Sad, but not yet defeated I gave her a hug and told her, 'I promise if anything happens, I will still be here waiting for you'. The next afternoon we went to lunch with her parents and I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye ( a kiss that wouldn't be returned until much later). Due to her not having pockets though, I somehow managed to end up with her phone. I frantically tried to call her family and alert them to come back to Waco (I stayed another few days for freshman orientation). Luckily she noticed and called me and I got to see her one last time, before 4 years went by.

For a few years, we kept in regular contact, keeping the same length and quality conversations as before. I always reminded her that I would still be waiting and apologized for my lack of communication earlier. Interestingly enough, she really never mentioned her boyfriend to me, but after a few years I had sort of given up hope. I felt they would be getting married eventually and that I probably wouldn't be returning to her life.

Eventually I started dating Amanda, and at this time our communication faded once more, but she always stuck in the back of my mind. I dated Amanda for nearly 2 years before we decided we were unhappy and broke it off. Literally the next day Crystal messaged me on facebook asking how I'd been (she didn't know about the break up). I explained what had happened with Amanda and I, and it turns out her and her boyfriend were at the same place really. It was quite an amazing feeling. It was as if God had held the promise I made true for me. Eventually Crystal and her (then) boyfriend broke up, and as I had promised 4 years earlier I was there waiting.

Ever since, we've talked everyday and fallen deeper in love everyday. On July 5th, 2011 I drove up to Lubbock (from Houston) to spend a week with her and then she rode back with me and spent a week in Houston and got a plane ticket home so we could spend as much time as possible together. I absolutely couldn't be happier to have her in my life and in my arms again. This is the girl I fell in love with 5 years ago. We've both grown so much since then, and sort of luckily it has kept us from having to spend all the time apart, since now it will only be a year before we get to be together always. We try to see each other every few weeks for now, but I cannot wait until the day she is always with me.

Just thinking about how near impossible our meeting and getting together has been, stuns me. I know God must have been a large part of it. I am so very glad he helped me hold that promise true for 4 years. It is absolutely incredible.

Crystal Anne Ward, I love you with all my heart. You are an incredibly talented, brilliant, sweet, loving, kind and beautiful woman. I'm so very lucky to have you in my life. I absolutely couldn't be happier dear.

Life update

So what has happened in the last 2 years? It is very strange how life can change so much.

Lets see, I am about to turn 22 in a week now. I'm currently in my last semester of college if everything goes right, and last 2 years if Baylor decides to fuck me over still.

I'm considering going to law school afterwards, and doing many other things. I am receiving a degree in Saxophone Performance, but don't see myself going anywhere with it really. I still love playing and practicing, but it worries me quite a lot about my future.

Now onto some other things I guess.

It is strange how something you were so sure about before can absolutely change. For instance, majoring in music, I knew I wanted to teach university, but that has certainly changed. I was in love for a long time but that has also changed, or well, atleast who receives it.

It is weird how sometimes the past comes back. I met Crystal 5 years ago, and it was a rather miraculous and impossible way to meet. It is weird how the people you are so used to talking to and being a part of your life decide to leave and to never talk to you again. I understand things have changed, but we were friends, and they even knew of some of the changes coming about in my life. Life is very interesting I think.

I know things will work out in the end, and hopefully in the way I want, but I also know it won't work out like that perfectly. She has somehow changed me from being the strict realist I once was to being a romantic, which is a strange and awkward change for me. I'm not used to being optimistic, and I can see the effect it has had on my life. While unsure what my future holds I am more optimistic.

I still fight some of the depression I fought in the last couple of years, but I feel far more hopeful about it. She always manages to make me feel better as well. I am far more hopeful for my future then I was before.

I do want to apologize for Amanda though. She did have to date me at some of my lowest points and was very helpful and kind. I can't thank her enough for that and I feel bad that she didn't get to experience the high point. That is where the randomness of life is I guess. Thanks for helping me through all of that Amanda.

I am pretty happy with most of the changes in my life now, and just thought I would post an update here. I also apologize for how sporadic it was. I rambled a lot, and didn't really think of organization.

Have a good one :)

Isn't it supposed to get easier?

I thought the pain was supposed to get easier, but this is quite possibly the heaviest my heart has felt, and the most depressed I have felt in a long time. It will certainly be a hard night/few days. I just feel completely empty and lonely. I had to write something somewhere, and I figured this is the place I could write and noone would actually check. I hoped this would help, I guess we'll see. Ah losing someone you loved is hard.

No idea

Pretty sure no one reads this, which is perfectly understandable as I haven't written since November? and I really just need this spot to write down how I'm feeling.

I honestly feel like crap. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of music. I'm ready to be done. I have no idea what I'm going to do afterwards, because right now I really don't want to do anything that has to do with music. My other problem is, a bachelors in saxophone performance is probably the most worthless degree you can have. You certainly need a masters, and I'm really not willing to go that far right now, I'm not even sure how I'm going to last another year doing this degree.

I'm worried that I'm just going to be a bum after graduation. I don't even know how to fully express my feelings here.

Eh, screw it, it was worth a shot....

I haven't updated in awhile again, mainly because not much is different and I haven't had nearly any inspiration. As time goes by I find myself getting farther depressed about the situation, and more often. As time continues to go by I slowly feel less and less like saxophone or maybe even music is what I'm supposed to be doing. I just feel like a huge disappointment. Slowly losing more confidence. I really just don't know what to do at all anymore...

Change

It's interesting how life changes paths. Ever since I was a little kid, I alway's loved music. My grandmother is a pianist, and I remember how I used to just stare as she played piano in the living room. I knew that that was what I wanted. Granted the specific's have changed throughout the years from composition to clarinet to saxophone, music was always the general dream. I had never doubted that that was what I was supposed to do with my life, but now I find as I'm going through everything that I'm beginning to turn away. It hasn't brought me hardly (if any) any happiness in the past few years, whereas it brought me far more in the past. I honestly don't know if this is god's plan for me anymore. I have absolutely no idea what else it could be, but I'm starting to doubt that this is it. I know I'm not bad at saxophone, but I'm not so sure I'm good enough for what I want, or to even be here anymore. I certainly haven't gotten any of the results I would have hoped for since I've gotten here. I just feel like my entire time here has been a failure and I'm scared that I've wasted a bunch of money paying tuition here. (I want to add something else here but I can't quite think of what... so I may write back later)

I hadn't updated in awhile so I thought I'd just throw in what's going on in my life.

Just the Beginning

Everytime I see you

I can feel it in my heart

That my love for you is true

and thats only the start

You are the love of my life

The grin in my smile

and for that I will fight

to keep you here awhile

With you I've found meaning

Without you I'm incomplete

This is just the beginning

and you've swept me off my feet

Only you make me this happy

No matter how much this is sappy

-Andrew Ronald Johnson

Amanda

She is my inspiration, my best friend, and the love of my life. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. She means so much to me, and I honestly have no doubt that shes the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Amanda, this is for you.

I love you

Composition

I seem to find myself more caught up in composing. I used to write all the time, but I have stopped the past few years. Freshman year of college I wrote a nice chord progression but never went anywhere with it, and just recently wrote a song for my lovely girlfriend. I have now find myself caught up in continually trying to add to it and making it more interesting. I can't satisfy my urge to add more parts and make this piece continually grow, as my love for her grows. I also continually find myself writing new riffs, but yet my lyrical ability doesn't quite exist. I find myself in need of finding more inspiration for lyrics, but I'm not terribly poetic. That's been my entire problem for the past 4-5 years. I feel the musical inspiration and nearly always have, but I really need a good source of lyrical inspiration.

About Me

So here's a little something to sum me up.

I'm 20, I think, but honestly can't remember the majority of the time.
I am a Saxophone Performance major.

I have 2 loves in my life:
Music
and my girlfriend Amanda.

both are the 2 things that make me completely happy.
I play plenty of instruments and find I pick up on new ones quickly, and learning a new one is one of the funnest things for me to do. I primarily play sax and guitar.

I'm very realist, and you won't see the optimistic side of myself very often.
I have a creepy obsession with Led Zeppelin and The Beatles, and especially Paul McCartney.

I plan to teach Saxophone at university after continuing on with school to get my masters and doctorate. This may all change of course, as things have recently let me down, but I do know whatever I do, it will follow music.

I'm also Christian. I am Presbyterian and proud of it. Yes, I have a short temper, and I don't always have a very clean mouth, but I do believe God has had a huge hand in my life. He brought me together with the most wonderful and beautiful girl in the world, and he has led me through my musical journey.

Well I'm honestly getting distracted with other things right now, but I think this basically sums me up enough for the moment.